Things are slowly but surely getting better. I'm finding more joy in life, which is always good. The meds stopped working for a little while, but once the doc bumped up the dosage I really started to notice a difference.

In all honesty, I know I need to be in therapy to deal with the familial issues, but I'm not ready to face them yet. I'm just now, after three months of not talking to them, finally beginning to let go of most of the anger. I still wish I could find the nutsack to tell them that they're missing out on some incredible kids, and that it's all their own loss, but I know that will just lead to more denial that they're doing anything wrong. The "I forgot" excuse only flies once with me. They're not forgetting my kids, they're ignoring them. Sorry, but going to work and bragging about the grandkids is NOT being a grandparent. So I'm just done. I'm not going to force our lives down their throats anymore. It's clear that they have no interest, and really never have. When we go back to the states, if we go through their area we won't be stopping for a visit. I doubt we'll even let them know we're there.


Wow. That sounds so cold and calloused. But it's not. It's a little bit of self defense, and a lot bit of resignation to the fact that my family has never put a bit of stock into me. We've been here in Japan for over three and a half years now. They haven't come to visit once, or even bothered to pick up the phone. It breaks my heart every day. It makes me sick that I'm 30 years old and still having mommy issues.


Wugh.



REALLY!!! I have been finding so much more joy in life. Everywhere I go, I see a photograph and wish I had the camera with me. I want to be able to capture life as I see it, with all the light and shadows playing together so beautifully. Whether it be over my own childrens' faces, over the Okinawan people's faces, or nature, I'm learning again that it's light and shadow that create life to begin with. I've been a bit better with the kids lately, too. More patient. They still frustrate me to no end, and I wish to doG that I had an ignore button for the girls, LOL, but to see them giggling in their beds when I tuck them in....it's why I'm a mommy. To hear Bubzilla say, "Yuh yew tew!!" when I kiss him... aaaahhhh...


I'm waxing poetic again, and it's probably not even making sense. It's 1:30 in the morning, and I've got to be up at 6:30 with the girls. I hate when Bri has to work nights, I can't sleep. But I'm dizzy now, I really need to drag my fat butt to bed.

So good night, my sweets, a sweet slumber and sweet dreams! Or something like that!