All warm & fuzzy!

If this doesn't make you all gooey and lovey then there's something wrong with you. You must have a heart of stiblah.

Parenting is the most heartbreaking job on earth.

Catey is my more emotional child out of the three. This morning, about 10 minutes after all the kids left for school she came running back in the house just SOBBING. It took me a few minutes and a lot of questioning, but I finally got her to tell me what was wrong.

I was worried that the big girls were picking on her the way to school. No. She misses her grandpa & great-grandma. She's re-written the events of the weekend in her mind and has fabricated this story that grandpa did all sorts of great things with her over the weekend. (Far from it, the lazy ass. He hardly spoke to the kids.) Her great grandma helped her with her chores, so she did get a kick out of that. But she's also decided that they left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye to her. UM, NO. They DROVE her to school on Monday morning and dropped her off.

So I got her settled down and drove her to school, and got a phone call from the school secretary half an hour later saying that Catey was in there just sobbing and she wanted to talk to me. It was the grandparents thing again. So I told her I'd come to the school and give her a big hug, but it was her job to go to school and learn and I needed her to do that.

Got to the school and she wasn't crying anymore, until I started talking to her while I was hugging on her. Then she started in on the whole missing grandma & grandpa thing again. Got her settled down again & walked her to class, & she was hanging onto my arm for dear life all the way down to her class.

I went in to talk to her teacher and Amy (the teacher) said that Catey's not been acting like herself for a week to a week and a half now. She told me some of the things she's been doing and the stories that Catey has fabricated. I explained to her the situation of the weekend, and that Catey's grandparents have split up but that they don't want us talking to the kids about it (yeah, that's out the door, we're having a big talk tonight). I also told her that Brian is deploying soon for several months and that he recently told Catey about it. *ding*ding*ding* Her acting up started when he told her that he's deploying.

I'm sitting here crying because my heart is hurting so badly for her. She's afraid that Brian is going to leave without saying goodbye and not ever come back. She doesn't know how to deal with that so she's projecting it onto her grandparents.

Amy said that she'd have lunch with Caitlin once a week from now until the end of the school year, just to give her some special one on one time. And I'm going to have Brian do some special one on one things with the kids, too. I'm going to find a Build a Bear workshop so they can go make a special Daddy animal that they can love on when they're missing him. I'm already planning lots of stuff to keep us busy through the summer, and I believe Cindy is planning on coming down sometime this summer as well.

Good lord this is killing me. Why does parenthood have to break your heart so much?

And this, my friends, is why Alanis is a genius.

I took these last week and played with b/w yesterday. I'm getting them printed out in 8x10, matted & framed for the living room.

Some good friends have been encouraging me to take my photography to some shows. I think I'm going to look into it. I'd love to be able to do this as a supplemental income.

Sometime this week or next I'm going to be doing maternity photos of another friend. I told her I'd do it for free as long as I get to use her images in a portfolio.

And hey, any excuse to get the new Photoshop! :D

Why I am up at 2:52AM when I have to be up at 6

When we went to bed last night Brian kept hopping out of bed, swearing that it sounded like somebody was trying to break into the house. I pointed out that 1) the dryer was running and 2) the house alarm was ON so if somebody were to actually break in we'd definitely know about it so he finally relaxed enough and went to sleep.

But since he opened his big mouth I kept hearing things. At 2 I heard one of the dogs crying so I got up to let her out. The cat slipped out with her, so I had to go chase him all over the back yard. Did I mention it rained a LOT yesterday, and I was in bare feet? Niiiiiice. Came back in and realized that Gidget wasn't in her normal sleeping place. So I hunted all over the house for her. No dog.

Looked in the garage. No dog.

But I heard her crying, and realized that it was HER crying that woke me up.

The dork had gotten closed into the pantry. With the trash can. I hope she enjoyed herself, because she's certainly not going to enjoy the shits she'll have tomorrow.

And now my moron cat is doing gymnastics all over the living room.

And now I can't go back to bed, because I'll lay there anticipating either a dog crying to go back outside or Bubzilla crawling into bed with me to burrow on me.


In exciting news, however, I'm enrolling Matthew in pre-kindergarten tomorrow!!! YAAAAAAAAAY for school!!!!

A story for Gina.

Since we love Spring Chickens & all...

My best friend was over, yet again, not long before Christmas. She was sitting on the love seat in my living room with her leg tucked under her. I was a few feet away, sitting on the sofa. In the midst of random chat, she said, "My leg is asleep and it's REALLY bugging me."

Being the kind, wonderful best friend that I am, I decided to do her a favor. I was going to wake up her leg. By yelling "WAKE UP!" at her leg. So I leaned down, face to knee, and yelled, "WAKE UP!!!"

Only the English language as a whole sometimes manages to defeat me.

So instead, I yelled, "B-GOK!"

Yes, I clucked at my best friend's knee.

Brian got me a round kitchen clock for Christmas. It has a rooster on it. He labeled it, "To Meagan, Love: The English Language."

Kerrie sends me text messages.

B GOK


They're so mean to me. I should trade them in.

Babies and holes in my head.

Somebody, anybody, in my life needs to have a baby for me. I will not be having any more babies, but I'm craving some baby right now. And I have been for a long while. It's a physical craving. Which pretty much makes sense, because after I had Bethany I got pregnant again with Catey when she was 2. I got pregnant with Matt when Catey was 3. Matt is 3 now, and no more babies. I need to cuddle a little bundle of sweetness, to be able to kiss a sweet smelling head. I'll draw the line at breastfeeding somebody else's kid, though, even though I miss that, too.

Unfortunately, all of my pregnant girlfriends aren't due until late spring/early summer. I'd go volunteer to rock babies in the NICU, but I've got Matt here and can't take him with me.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed BABY-LOVE!!!!


I got some new holes yesterday. :D Brian still doesn't know, I'm not going to tell him. I got my nose pierced and my tongue re-pierced. (It was pierced way back in '01, but I had to take it out for a dental appointment on September 10. Was going to go get it put back in the next day, but, well, we all know what happened on the 11th.) The nose piercing was suprisingly NOT painful, and still doesn't hurt at all. I felt the needle go in, but it didn't hurt. It was wierd feeling it go through my nostril and into the cork I had stuck up my nose, though. I didn't even feel the needle go through when I got my tongue done. It's a little sore now, because, well, you put a 14 guage post through a major muscle and tell me if you're not sore. It's healing fast, though. I was talking to Kerrie on the phone last night and told her that I had gotten it done, and she said that I didn't sound at all like I had just gotten pierced. Yeah, that's cause I'm a PRO!

It was kind of funny when I went in to the studio to get it done. I was talking to the piercer about my tat, about how I want to eventually get it touched up so the fairy girl isn't quite so sexual. (It's supposed to be a child.) His co-worker came in and he told the co-worker about my tat, and that I had gotten it in Okinawa. He told the co-worker that I was getting pierced, and the co-worker said, "You getting your nipples done?"

HUH?

I told him, no, not today, but I've thought about it. I'm too much of a wuss though. And he said to me, "You look like a mom that would like her nipples pierced."

HUH?

What exactly makes me look like a mom that would like her nipples pierced? Not to say that I wouldn't, because someday I might. But what about me says "yeah, I like poking needles through random body parts!" Apparently I give off the vibe that I'm REALLY comfortable with my body. Which I guess is a good thing.

I guess I started to black out, too. A good 5 minutes AFTER the needlework was done, and everything was in, the piercer was going over after care and reached over to grab my shoulders and make me lay down. I guess I got reeeaally pale, really fast. All I remember is getting crazy hot pretty suddenly, and finding myself laying down in a heavy sweat. Yeah, apparently I'm a wuss...

Almost as good as the movie.

Yeah. SWWWWEEEET just doesn't cover it. ;)

I know I locked the doors!!

After I got the kids settled in to bed tonight, I decided to take a shower. I locked all the doors, set the alarm, and stepped into hot, steamy, clean bliss. I took a niiiiiiiice long shower, since that's the only time I ever get to take a niiiiiiiice long shower. I got out of the shower and dried off. I put on my robe. I combed my hair. (You enjoy reading my routine, don't you? Good, I thought you would.)

So when I was all squeaky clean & dry, I came back out in the living room.

Now, from the living room you can look directly into Matthew's room.

He wasn't in his bed. So I figured he was in my bed and I just missed him.


He wasn't in my bed.

He wasn't in Bethany's bed. Or Catey's. I couldn't find the child anywhere in the house, and the alarm had never gone off so I didn't THINK he had made it out the door. So I checked the girls' rooms again.

He was asleep on the floor in Bethany's room, not viewable from the door. *whew* Apparently he had been crying while I was in the shower (gee, how's that for a guilt trip?) and Bethany made up a little bed for him with blankets on the floor next to her bed, and told him to come sleep in her room. AAAAAAAAAWWWWW, she can be such a sweet big sister when she wants to be.

Now I have to try to get him back in to his bed, so he's not waking up at 6 AM with her. Fun.

How many times...

Will I set off the alarm before I learn my lessons?

We're getting the house alarm activated today. Brian's Jeep was broken into on the 1st, and there have been a LOT of home robberies over the last month. Our builder agreed to pay for a year of security, we just hadn't bothered getting it set up until now.

We'll see... the alarm guy is here right now.

The world is about to end.

That whole, "I'm quitting caffeine" thing? Yeah, didn't work. I've started drinking coffee again. Only not Air-Force-Grade-Sludge like Brian makes. It's GOOD I-Grew-Up-In-the-Coffee-Snob-Capitol-And-I'm-Not-Ashamed-to-Admit-It coffee. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........coffee....




But I'm out of coffee.

The kids are asleep.

It's after midnight and I'm just now realizing I'm out of coffee.

We have to get up early to go to the doctor.

I'm out of COFFEEEEEE....


Yep. The world is gonna end.

It just figures.

Bethany got sick with the nasty cough/cold that's been going around, right before Christmas. She's just now getting over it. She kindly passed it on to Matthew, and he's within a few days of being over it. Catey was next in line, and is at the peak. She took a THREE hour nap this afternoon. Brian got it too, he's on probably day five of it. And now I'm getting it. Fever, chills, burning raw throat, and soon I'll have the sinus drainage that tears up the throat and leaves you coughing nonstop.

Yeah, families get sick together all the time. But WE manage to get sick right when Daddy is leaving for six weeks. YAY! (*sniff sniff* Smell that? It's sarcasm.) Brian left for NCO Academy today.

I hate having to deal with sick kids when I'm sick myself, and nobody is home to give me a break. I'm always afraid something is going to happen and I'm not going to be able to deal with it. Which, in our home, is inevitable. I've got my best friend just around the corner from us, but she's working 70 hours a week.

Ugh. This is going to suuuuuuuuuuck. Brian had better get that Levitow and make all this worth it. ;)

Tuscan Traffic Light

We've been painting, and it's FUN.

I like color, LOTS of color. So we've been working on the dining room and the kitchen. It's almost finished, I've got to drybrush the glaze on tomorrow. It's called Coffee Bean, how perfect is that?

But right now, the red and gold are VIBRANT. The pictures don't do them justice...

Rest In Peace, Pete.

A good friend that I met online, Brenda, lost her husband today. He's been struggling for a long time. He came home from the first Iraq War incredibly ill from all the oil fires and has been going downhill steadily since then.

Brenda and Pete have two little girls, the same age as my girls. Two little girls that are going to have to grow up without their daddy. He won't be there to comfort their first broken hearts. When they get married, he won't be there to give them away. All they'll have is the memory of a daddy who was sick for the majority of their short childhoods.

Because she's on disability and has been taking care of Pete full time, Brenda wasn't able to keep up on the life insurance premiums. The VA says that his illness wasn't due to the oil fires, so they're saying that they're not going to pay up either. So essentially, Brenda is left with nothing. She's got people that are going to help her fight the VA, but she already knows it's a losing battle.

I was chatting with Bren last night in IM, and she was her usual incredible, strong, beautiful self. She told me about how Pete mouthed I Love You to her, since he couldn't talk, and then a few minutes later told her to f*** off because she wouldn't let him die at home. ;) (They had just recently moved and she didn't want their new home to be the place where daddy died, for her girls.) I know she's going to be OK, because that's just who she is. But being OK doesn't stop the ache, or the missing the person you love the most in the world, or the ache for your children in their loss.

Any prayers at all for Brenda and her girls are most definitely appreciated, and needed.


Be well, Pete. Godspeed.

It's true!

I really do have the cutest kids on the face of the planet. These are the photos that I'm putting in our Christmas cards that I REALLY WILL mail out before June. I might even get them out before Christmas! (And if you're reading this and you HAVE my email address, send me your mailing address so I can send you a card. Yes, that means YOU James and Roni.)

That's got to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

My grandparents were here visiting this weekend. I love my grandparents. Really I do. But they are also part of the reason I've been away from the church for so long. The way that the Southside congregation acted toward me, especially particular members of the congregation that I looked to as role models of Christianity, when I was pregnant with Bethany was also a key factor in me staying away for so long.

So, I had already been planning on going back to church this past weekend. There's a friend of Bethany's that goes to a CoC and her mother invited us and told me about the congregation, and I liked what I heard. So going was already a non-issue. Having Grandma & Grandpa here just made it a little easier, since they were already going.

Over the weekend I had opened up to Grandpa a little bit about why I had stopped going, and explained that I'm finally getting my head around the fact that not every congregation is like Southside, and it was a few particular members that did what they did, not the entire church. I didn't tell him about his own role in why I quit going, because it just wasn't worth the debate. I made it clear, though, that it's my own issue that I have to work through, and just because he wants me to be redeemed, he can't do it for me and he can't force me. He didn't like that too much. ;)

Anyway, as they were leaving yesterday morning, he came to me and said, "I just want you to remember, people aren't perfect, but the CHURCH OF CHRIST IS PERFECT."

OK, I understand what he was trying to get at, but that's just the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It took everything I had to not say so, too.

No, people aren't perfect. But neither is the church. Because the church is a gathering of people, teaching their OWN interpretation of the Bible. Yes, the church teaches the closest to what I believe, and that's why I'm coming back to the church after 10 years away instead of to a community church or Baptist. But come on, really. I pointed out that the only true perfection is that of Christ, and God's ideals. But he kept going on and on about how every single thing that the church teaches is absolute perfection.


ERGH.


It's closed-minded judgemental bigotry like that that drives people away! It makes me so angry when members of the church condemn others for not believing exactly what they do. Rather than beating their chests, proclaiming the greatness of the church (and their own greatness since they're members of the church), why can't they just let their faith shine by their works?

The biggest reason I'm so drawn to this particular congregation that we went to on Sunday is because of their outreach programs. They've got a Mom's Day Out (YAY!), a food pantry, job assistance, not to mention the approximately 12 mission support programs. There were two small sermons on Sunday, since the Cross & Crown leader was giving an update on the Thanksgiving outreach, and something that he said really struck me.

The text was John 21: 1-19. The part that he was focusing on the most was vs. 15-17:

15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these? Yes, Lord, he said, you know that I love you. Jesus said, Feed my lambs.

16 Again Jesus said, Simon son of John, do you truly love me? He answered, Yes, Lord, you know that I love you. Jesus said, Take care of my sheep.

17 The third time he said to him, Simon son of John, do you love me? Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, Do you love me? He said, Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you. Jesus said, Feed my sheep.

He went on to talk about how we can take the text literally or figuratively, and it going to work it's way around to the other side eventually. If we reach out to the community to feed them, to provide from the food pantry or Thanksgiving outreach baskets, they'll see our faith through our works without our having to say a word about it, and they'll be drawn by our works. If we reach out to the community to feed them figuratively (such as praying with the families that come to the food pantry, each time more in depth and with caring instead of nosiness) we'll end up feeding them literally as well, either sharing meals with them, through outreach programs, or any other way. It felt so RIGHT to be in a congregation that teaches a caring outreach, with the mindset of, "how may we serve you?" rather than, "You must believe as we do or you will burn burn burn burn BURN!!!"

It's a little frustrating that right when I find a congregation that I'm comfortable with, we're going to miss the next two weeks. We're leaving on Saturday to go visit Brian's family, and won't be back until early Sunday morning the week after. Since we're driving through the night Brian and I will be too tired to go to church that day. So it will be the 2nd of December before we go back to church. It's hard enough to get Brian to go, but he says he'll do his best to keep going with us. He knows it means a lot to me, so I think he'll keep going. He's agreed to it anyway, we'll see.

Sorry this was so rambling. I'm still getting my thoughts situated. ;)

How do you tell a completely oblivious person that you don't want to be involved in their drama?

There's this guy, D, that used to be stationed in Okinawa with us. DH ran into him a while back, and stupidly gave the guy our number. D is socially inept and has no sense of personal hygiene. He's a sad, dirty, pathetic puppy, and for some reason he really likes us.

Somehow he managed to get a woman to sleep with him and got her pregnant, and now they're married. He called a few weeks ago and wanted to introduce us to his wife, and somehow it turned into me inviting them over for dinner. I'm still not sure how that happened. I did my best to be nice and polite to them, but finally had to tell them, "look, not to kick you out or anything, but it's after 11 and we really need to get to bed."

I hate talking on the phone, so I haven't gone out of my way to call them. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to be involved in their drama. (Her ex is taking the kid to England for 6 months.) I've got enough crap going on in my own life and trying to help my sis with what's going on in her life.

So today D called and started rambling. "I should know better than to give messages to your DH to pass on, he obviously hasn't told you anything that I asked him to. So yeah, N (his wife) is starting to freak out, she's realizing that Little Guy is leaving for England soon and I don't know what to do about it. She really needs a friend. Can you just hang out with her and reassure her, take her with you when you go run your errands & stuff?"



NO!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO!!!! she kind of gives me the creeps to begin with!


So like an idiot, what do I say? "Well, I'll do my best, I'll do what I can. But you need to understand that I do have three kids and I'm rarely home, I don't have a lot of time."




How do I tell them, without being a hurtful asshole, that I don't want to be involved in their drama, much less their lives? Why can't the fact that WE DIDN'T GET BACK IN TOUCH WITH HIM WHEN WE GOT HERE BE ENOUGH OF A SIGN THAT WE DON'T WANT TO BE IN TOUCH?


Yes. I am a jerk. I know.

Are you voting today?

For the first time since I registered to vote on my 18th birthday, I am not voting. What with moving and getting settled in and being an out of state voter, I just didn't have time to learn about the issues on ballot in Iowa. It feels WEIRD to not be standing in line waiting to vote this morning.

I'll be thrilled when this whole voting thing is over though. I'm sick of all the political recorded phone calls at 7:30 in the morning on WEEKENDS, and of course at dinnertime. I can't even get revenge by giving Matthew the phone, it's a stupid recording.

In other news, I am TIRED. Exciting, eh? It would be great if I could get in bed and ASLEEP before 10 PM. Especially since Matt's been climbing into bed with us every morning at 4 AM. I love having him in bed with us, all cuddly and sweet, but I'm having a hard time falling BACK to sleep. *sob* I wish he'd take naps so I could get a nap. (Hey, why isn't the font going back?) He's on my bed right now watching cartoons. Maybe I'll climb back into bed with him and cuddle him and catch a nap while he learns his letters and numbers of the day. This nap was brought to you by the letters S, L, EE, and P!

MMMMMMM.......chicken nuggets anybody?

So I had surgery on my ankle yesterday. Dr. Henry Rollins excised a cyst the size of a chicken nugget. YUM!!
It's hard to tell in these pics, but my ankle was huge. So big that my actual ankle bone was lost underneath.






The incision is over two inches long.










MMMMMM.....doesn't that look TASTY?

MMMMMMMM......Punk Doctor

I'm having surgery on my ankle tomorrow and my doctor looks like Henry Rollins.
















I hope he didn't notice the lusty stare every time he walked into the room. Good lord that man is hot!