A few pictures of the kids

I can't decide which one I want to put on MIL's Mother's Day mug. She's a coffee addict, so I thought I'd get her a new mug for work.

Countdown

It's 7 PM on the 30th, so this day is done enough....

92 days

exactly 3 months

13 weeks and 3 days (hey, I thought 3 months was supposed to be only 12 weeks!!!)

And my favorite, 6 paydays...


UNTIL WE LEAVE THIS ISLAND AND MOVE INTO OUR NEW HOME.


Nah, I'm not anxious to leave at.all.

Please God, let it go fast!!!

We got the house!!!!

We close on June 2, and we'll be able to crash in our VERY OWN HOME the night we land! *does the Roger Rabbit, because that's just how cool I am*

A few more pics

We didn't make it to Lee Greenwood after all. Bummer, that would have been fun. So instead I had a Corona and gave the kids my own little impromptu concert. I don't think the ungrateful little wretches appreciated it!!! *shakes head in disgust* Those kids have some learnin' to do!

We're putting an offer on a house!!!

We're going to put an offer on the house in my best friend's neighborhood. It's only got the one thing wrong with it, in that the 3rd bedroom is really a study, but that's workable. My FIL is a handy guy and can help us build out the corner and a new closet, and put in a door where the closet currently is. Besides, the faux finish in that room will be a cool start to a rockin' piratey bedroom for Matt.

We're going to be homeowners. Woah. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

I want a beer.

I hardly ever drink anymore. In the last few weeks though, I've drank more than I have in two years. A whopping three beers. And I want another one. Why do I want a beer now?

Because it's what you drink when you're swaying to Lee Greenwood, singing along with him as he belts out, oh-s0-patriotically, "Proud to Be an American" in front of a crowd of Air Force, Navy, And Marines.

Uber-American Lee and Restless Heart are giving a "PATRIOTIC concert" here tonight, and I think it's just down the hill. I might have to convince Brian to go, and get a babysitter so we can have a few beers and be patriotic.

If we go, there will be pictures. Oh yes, photographic fun. :D

So we're still house hunting.

The existing home we really liked turned out to be a no-go. I figured it would, I wouldn't want to hold closing until August if I were the seller. It was worth it to try though.

So now we're looking in the same neighborhood where my best friend lives. New homes, good school, lots of cul-de-sac streets so the streets are safer... We've got a floorplan that we like, now it's just a matter of finding one in a stage of construction where we can ask that the builder put the door on the 3rd bedroom in the hallway, instead of opening into the living room as a study. I never realized how difficult JUST THAT ONE LITTLE THING COULD BE. Ergh. If we can find a home that's in that stage of construction, we'll also be able to choose our own colors & such, which will be nice.

I'm so ready to just buy a dang house. I'm trying to not be emotional about it, but that's hard to do when you're so stressed about everything that you're not sleeping at all. Emotions kind of just take control. Ergh again.


I did realize something that helped reduce the stress for a few moments. We've only got seven more paydays until we leave. (Assuming we leave in the first week of August.) SEVEN. That's a single digit, folks!!! But...but...SEVEN? Holy crap, that's a single digit, that's going to go by REALLY fast. We need to save more money! We need to get started on buying a few things for the house! We need to get the cat back to Oklahoma! (Crap, I just realized, I think he has an appointment today.) We need to figure out how to get the dogs back!

Ok, I need to call the vet...

I've found it.

I have found the house that I want, and it's in Brian's top three as well. It's in our price range. The current owners are leaving a shed in the HUGE back yard, and the hot tub. Yeaaaaah, baby, there's a hot tub. There's a HUGE beautiful kitchen, where I won't be tripping over everybody. (OK, so I'll trip over them, but only because they're leeches, not becuase there's not enough room in the kitchen.) It has two living areas, and the front living area also has a little niche that would make a great craft area. There's a three car garage, the master bedroom is plenty big enough for our massive furniture. The tile floors are actually the pretty ones, and not that cacky yellow shiny stuff. I think it's even got a gas oven! YAY!! HOORAY FOR COOKIN' WITH GAS!! There are lots of windows, so lots of light.

Yes. This is the house that I want. Now, as long as the owners are willing to pay closing costs and are ok with an August or so closing, we're good. Right?



It really can't be that easy, can it?

And a few more

And a few more

Artsy fartsy

At the beginning of March, Brian and I went on a deep sea fishing trip. We had a ball, caught a few fish, and I was mocked by the crew for taking "artsy fartsy pictures." Hilarity ensued.

Anyway, these are some of the best from that day.

The time has come...

to buy a home.

We've been married almost 9 years and have lived in military housing or apartments the entire time. We are READY for our own place. We need roots. We need stability. We need a place to come back to that will be home.

So tonight I'm starting our preapproval process. A perfect stranger is going to tell us just how much house we can afford. Then I'm going to rely on another stranger to help us find a home and pretty much purchase it, sight unseen. We have a few places bookmarked on realtor.com that we really like, but it all depends on how much we're approved for. These last hours tonight, waiting for it to be 9 AM in OKC, have been agonizing.

There are so many questions to be answered. Do we want to buy a home that's currently under construction, or a previously owned home? Exactly what features do we want? Just how big IS 1620 sq ft? Do we really want to live in that particular town, or should we move closer to base? Are there ANY homes in that area that have anything other than gas heating? If not, we'll be going through a lot of firewood.


I'm anxious. I just want to know how much we can get, so we can hurry up and find a house. August is coming fast, and I just want to be SETTLED.

Waiting sucks, dude.

Homeschool, Day 1

Wow. Juuuuuuuuuuust wow.

For the most part everything went really well. Matt was a stinker, go figure. But the girls did well with their work, and I never once lost patientce. Yay me.

A bit before lunch though, Bethany started complaining that her throat felt icky. In Bethspeak, that means that she'll be puking before long. It didn't click with me though, and I fed the kids macaroni and cheese with tuna for lunch. EW. She started throwing up around 1. She managed to finish her work though. LOL

So around 1:45, Matthew asked me to clean his ears. He loves having his ears cleaned, since he's got Brian's nasty ears. The cotton was long and tickled him just the wrong way and he started coughing so hard that HE threw up. Everything. All over me. Not a bit of it got on the sofa or the floor.

Did I mention that I'm a sympathetic puker?

So Matt's standing in the tub, covered in vomit, still throwing up, I'm hanging my head in the toilet and trying to take my vomit soaked clothes off at the same time. I finally managed to get all my clothes off, empty my own stomach, and get the clothes OUT of the bathroom, and Bethany came in to puke some more.

Some time in all of this I had managed to call Brian to tell him that it was a veritable puke fest here at home, and I had to leave a message. He managed to call back right when I was in the midst of trying to get into the shower wtih Matt and rub Bethany's back at the same time. He was mission planning, and couldn't get out until 4.

Once we were all finally cleaned up, Bethany said she felt better and I really needed to go run a few errands. So we went. Got done at the bank, went and got Matthew's hair cut (oh yeah, he climbed up on the bathroom counter while I was helping the girls with their morning work, and managed to start to give himself a haircut. ), and then went to the bookstore. Let the kids each pick out a book since we'd had a good but rough first day.

As we were heading to the checkout Bethany started weaving like she was drunk, and was white as a ghost. Her lips were grey. I asked her if she was going to throw up again, and told her to hurry up and go to the restroom, that I'd catch up to her in less than a minute. She's been to the restroom in that building plenty of times, so when she started heading for the managers office I knew she was bad. I dropped everything in the center of the store, grabbed her and held onto her neck at the pressure points to try to keep her from fainting, and steered her and half dragged Matthew out of the store. Poor Caitlin had no idea what was going on, and just followed. Bethany started stumbling and put her hand up to her face a few steps before we got to the exit door, and I started running. Still steering her and dragging Matt, and yelling "FAINTING GIRL COMING THROUGH!!!" We made it outside just in time, and managed to get to a corner next to a trash can and a water hose. The poor girl had nothing left to throw up.

Caitlin and Matthew were so good, and found a bench behind us and sat quietly the whole time I was taking care of Bethany.

So we started walking back to the van, but I had parked next to the bank so it was a bit of a walk. Bethany was still really pale, and I didn't think she could make the walk. Thankfully we ran into a friend, and Bethany was able to sit in front of Burger King with her so I could go get the van.

SO. Finally got all the kids home. Bethany went straight to bed to read, and Caitlin curled up on the sofa. I gave Matthew a snack and asked Catey if she wanted one.

No thank you.

She was holding her stomach. I asked her if she felt sick too, and she said her stomach really hurt. Like somebody had punched her. Which is CAITLIN's sign that she's going to throw up. Sure enough, about half an hour later she's hanging her head in the toilet.

As Catey's hanging her head in the toilet, Matthew came and tugged my hand and told me, "nigh-night." So I had to go dig his sheets out of the dryer, because of COURSE today would be the day that he wet the bed. Got him down for a nap, got Catey cleaned up, finally got all three kids settled down....

Thank God the house was quiet, I was finally able to take a nap. Because within an hour of them waking up, both girls were puking agian. Bethany didn't eat dinner at all, and hasn't kept down water. Caitlin tried eating some soup, and that came back up a short while later. I've now got both girls sleeping on the bottom bunk. I don't want Bethany waking up to throw up in the middle of the night and hurting her self trying to get down in time. There's a chum bucket next to the bed. Matthew's door is cracked, and I'm sure that he'll be next. I've got a raging headache, but I don't know if it's from stress or if I'm getting it. And Brian has a 10.5 hour flight tomorrow.

Yeah. We're skipping the field trip to the zoo tomorrow.

It's official

Today is the girls' last day of school. Starting Monday, we are a homeschooling family. I'm skeered. What am I getting us into? Am I really doing the right thing for my kids? Am I going to be able to give them the individualized education that they need, the whole reason I'm pulling them out of school to begin with? Are they going to make me so completely insane that I just crack? Am I going to destroy my kids by homeschooling them?

Doubt is a bad thing, and I'm drowning in it right now.

I am completely insane. That's the only conclusion I can draw from all this.

We're going to pull the girls out of the DoDDs school and homeschool them instead.


What am I thinking? We love their teachers! They have fun at school. It's just not enough though. B. is currently in a multiage class, 1-3 grades, and consistently chooses to work with the youngest age group. She's not learning as much as she could be, because she's choosing the path of least resistance. C. is bored out of her mind, so much so that she's deciding that "I can't dooooooo it." Ergh.

Brian is concerned about my mental state as we go through with it. He's afraid I'll end up angry all the time. I think I'll be OK though. A big reason I was getting so angry all the time was because the girls were so worn out with schoolwork that they didn't want to deal with homework when they got home. They just wanted to be KIDS. Which is understandable. Besides, their homework is just ridiculous, so it was frustrating to walk them through it. My thinking is that if we're just doing our schoolwork during the day, we're not going to have to deal with extra homework, and the stress level will already be reduced. On top of that, they'll finally have time to be involved in sports and other activities. And field trips! We can go on awesome field trips! Can you tell I'm getting excited? ;)

My kids' education is paramount. Right now I see them beginning to flounder, and it scares me. With the "No Child Left Behind" program, even more kids are being dragged in the flow of the education system, whether they're ready to move on or not. That's not fair to the individual child. So I do what I have to do to make sure that THEY do well.






I really am crazy, aren't I?

I love cats. They're so sweet and cuddly, yet arrogant and standoffish at the same time. And they can TALK. Animals that talk just rock.

Much like these awesome puddy tats.

Why I eyes ya all live long day!!!

I wish I were two years old.

Because then, if I were feeling frustrated and tired I could just pitch a fit, and people would understand that I'm frustrated and tired. Because, hey, I'm two. I could use the potty, and people would give me a high five for doing so. Because a two year old that uses the potty is AWESOME. I could put robots on choo choo trains and choo choo them around the house, and call them "choo choo bobots". I could attack tall people's knees with big hugs, and the big people would sit down and love on me for a bit.

Yeah. It would be great to be two again.

Things are slowly but surely getting better. I'm finding more joy in life, which is always good. The meds stopped working for a little while, but once the doc bumped up the dosage I really started to notice a difference.

In all honesty, I know I need to be in therapy to deal with the familial issues, but I'm not ready to face them yet. I'm just now, after three months of not talking to them, finally beginning to let go of most of the anger. I still wish I could find the nutsack to tell them that they're missing out on some incredible kids, and that it's all their own loss, but I know that will just lead to more denial that they're doing anything wrong. The "I forgot" excuse only flies once with me. They're not forgetting my kids, they're ignoring them. Sorry, but going to work and bragging about the grandkids is NOT being a grandparent. So I'm just done. I'm not going to force our lives down their throats anymore. It's clear that they have no interest, and really never have. When we go back to the states, if we go through their area we won't be stopping for a visit. I doubt we'll even let them know we're there.


Wow. That sounds so cold and calloused. But it's not. It's a little bit of self defense, and a lot bit of resignation to the fact that my family has never put a bit of stock into me. We've been here in Japan for over three and a half years now. They haven't come to visit once, or even bothered to pick up the phone. It breaks my heart every day. It makes me sick that I'm 30 years old and still having mommy issues.


Wugh.



REALLY!!! I have been finding so much more joy in life. Everywhere I go, I see a photograph and wish I had the camera with me. I want to be able to capture life as I see it, with all the light and shadows playing together so beautifully. Whether it be over my own childrens' faces, over the Okinawan people's faces, or nature, I'm learning again that it's light and shadow that create life to begin with. I've been a bit better with the kids lately, too. More patient. They still frustrate me to no end, and I wish to doG that I had an ignore button for the girls, LOL, but to see them giggling in their beds when I tuck them in....it's why I'm a mommy. To hear Bubzilla say, "Yuh yew tew!!" when I kiss him... aaaahhhh...


I'm waxing poetic again, and it's probably not even making sense. It's 1:30 in the morning, and I've got to be up at 6:30 with the girls. I hate when Bri has to work nights, I can't sleep. But I'm dizzy now, I really need to drag my fat butt to bed.

So good night, my sweets, a sweet slumber and sweet dreams! Or something like that!

Brian has to fly today, so he has to be at work at 5:45. He's been tripping over stuff that HE DIDN'T PUT AWAY TO BEGIN WITH, but somehow that's my fault. He came to kiss me goodbye, and I heard his car start and drive away.

Not five minutes later there's a body looming in the dark, in my doorway. I didn't hear him come back and I didn't hear him come in the house. And I know for a fact that I was awake because I was tossing and turning trying to go back to sleep, cursing him because he woke me up to begin with. And he tripped over the same box that he tripped over the first time. It was everything I could do to keep from screaming, I was so freakin' scared. My heart is still pounding, and it's been 20 minutes.

Apparently, he forgot his reflective belt and he has to have it, and hey, don't forget he HAS TO BE AT WORK IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. So he's thrashing about our room trying to find it. I tell him I haven't seen it in the house in months because he doesn't usually bring it in. So he keeps thrashing about and getting more and more pissed. Finally he asks for help, but he was really pissy about it. (I won't help him look for something unless he spefically asks for help, on principle. Especially if he's being a bunghole about it.) So I get up and help him look in all the places he would have left it. Nope, no belt. After a whopping three minutes he storms off, saying he has to leave.

OK, soooooooooooooooooo...you're tripping over stuff that you left laying around, you're running late because you hit snooze too many times, you can't find a peice of MANDATORY GEAR, and somehow this is all my fault. Gotcha. I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime, HAVE A NICE STINKING FLIGHT AND KISS MY BUTT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!!

I really hate when he flies mad at me, especially if it's not even my fault. I have this fear that something will happen to the jet (even though there's only been one crash in 40 years) and that he'll die mad at me.

It's 6 in the morning, and I have no prospects of going back to sleep now. I'm tired, I'm still shaking from thinking there was a murderer standing in my doorway, and I'm annoyed as all get out with my husband. The creep.

I do not like the person that I am.

That sounds horrible, doesn't it? Espcially since I'm on meds that are supposedly supposed to HELP me feel better. Instead, they're making everything clearer. I am a bitch. I am not a nice person. I can completely understand why nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. I wouldn't want to hang out with me!

What's so bad about me? DH says I'm negative about all the people we're "friends" with. I think that's because I've been using the negativity as a guard against being hurt. (Newsflash, Meg, it ain't workin'.) I'm extremely impatient with my children. And the more impatient I get, the more they do exactly what it is that's driving me crazy. I'm a control freak. If things aren't going exactly the way I think they should be, I get irate. I feel like I'm constantly angry. For no good reason. Look at me funny and I'm likely to rip your head off. I'm extremely judgemental. Goes along with that control freak thing, I guess.

I swear up and down that I don't care if people like me or not, but come on. How can you NOT care if people like you. Especially people you used to be friends with?

I want to be a nice person. I want to be able to honestly say that I like who I am. I want to be able to find joy instead of irritation in my life. Problem is, how do I get there?